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Remembering A Dear Friend Today

Four years ago today I lost one of my truest girlfriends

in a car accident.

She passed away the day before Thanksgiving , November 23, 2005 which was coincidentally & unfortunately her brother's birthday and five days before hers.

I got a call at 5:30 a.m. Thanksgiving morning telling me that she was gone. Thankfully my family was here to support me throughout that very painful day. My husband was also deployed and had to hear the news from friends overseas.

Alicia's husband Matt was deployed overseas and due to return home in two weeks. They were high school sweethearts and had been together since they were fifteen.

Alicia was definitely one of a kind; smart, beautiful, caring,

hardworking,witty and hilarious.

I could go on and on about her, and the awesome person she was

but I really would just like to pay tribute to her today.

Alicia, I love you and miss you everyday.

                                Click Here - Alicia Boyer-Jones

Totally "Twilightin" Out - Woo-Hoo!!!

So, yes I am a TwiHard, Twilighter whatever you want to call it, but yes, a grown woman who has read every book in the Twilight saga and is slightly obsessed with the whole thing. If you've read them, then this needs no further explanation. If you haven't you just can't figure out what all the fuss is about...can it really be that good?

Y-E-S !!!

I just purchased my tickets to the l...o...n...g awaited sequel NEW MOON!!!  and I'm absolutely beside myself with giddy anticipation and yes I said tickets. I was planning on going to see it by myself in the middle of the day when most Teen-Twihards are at school. Thought there would be a lot less distraction. But, it turns out "hubby" has the day off and said that he would go with me! Never imagined that one. 

Of course due to the fact that this is nearly a spiritual event for me, he has been given strict instructions for this outing:

He is not allowed to talk, snicker, laugh or make fun of anything I say or do before, during or after the movie.   He may not react to any of the erratic dislays of emotions I may show during this day. We'll see how he follows directions...heehee. I'm actually looking forward to him going with me and really appreciate that he wants to come along...still can't quite figure out why, but happy about it nonetheless.

To all of you Twihards...enjoy the movie...hope it's GREAT!!!!
If you need a little refresher before New Moon here are a few of my  fav.  links  ENJOY!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQbvWeJstRg&feature=fvsr

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT94X4-b4Pk



P.S. They have New Moon Trailors , clips, etc on Direct TV satellite if you search for "New Moon"

Note: I promise to take this Blog Background down after a few days ;0)

Are Monsters BORN or MADE ?

If you live in the Fayetteville area you most likely already know about this story. If you don't and are not aware of this, here is a link to the current events surrounding the human trafficking and death of a little girl in our area. Her body was found yesterday about 13 miles from my house.

http://www.wral.com/news/local/video/6434737/

I'm just sick about the outcome...just don't understand how some human beings take pleasure in hurting another person, none the less a helpless, innocent little girl. How can someone hurt a little child ?
I can't imagine being able to live with the pain if someone abducted Evan and he never came back to me...really just want to throw up right now.


I actually overheard a couple chastizing and being cruel to their small child in the store just yesterday...made me so furious I almost said something to them - I literally had to bite my tongue, literally, to not confront them - but I knew that if they treated their little boy that way they would flog me!!! Evan needs his Mommy so I couldn't risk the retaliation from them...funny that Evan was my first thought - how he could be impacted by me getting into it with some crazy, mean people.

If I didn't have Evan things would have been different.


It made me think that maybe some monsters are created or pushed in that direction by terrible parents ignoring, talking down to, and treating their children badly in general. A grown person that hurts a young child had to have had a terrible life, right?
Or are monsters just born monsters?


I don't know...but I do know that it is up to us parents to raise our children with respect, and talk to them like they matter and build their confidence and let them know that they are good people and will do great things. Lie if you have to, but never tell a child they are "bad." Maybe if someone would have told Shaniyah Davis's murderer that he/she was a good kid and treated them with a little decency they would have turned out to be a different person and that little girl would still be alive and happy and beautiful. Maybe when you feel completely devalued as a person it's not hard to cross over to the other side and become a deviant of society...what do you have to lose?


I don't know the stats or what research proves, but I do know as a teacher I have come across some kids that seemed inherently evil and destined to be "bad" adults. I always tried to help them especially; thinking that if maybe even one person made them think good things about themselves they could chart a different course for their future. Even the smallest gesture of kindness can make someone feel better about themselves. When you are talking to a child think about what it would feel like for someone to say those things to you. Maybe if we are better grown ups to the children around us we can help cut down on the numbers of children that grow into "monsters" like this little girl's murderer.

BTW: I am not a perfect grownup to all the kids around me, at all times but I definitely make an effort to be some kind of a role model...shouldn't we all?


To the family and friends of this beautiful little girl and to Shaniyah herself - may god be with you and heal you and take you to a better place. You are an angel.

First Kiddo Halloween Party Behind Me - WHEW!!!

WOW!  I haven't posted in two weeks - pretty much because I go just a weeeeeee bit overboard when I plan for a party. I don't think of anything else except the party until the day it's over. Guess it's this darn first child mentality, or need for perfection or OCD or something.

I had never hosted a Kids Halloween party before, but now I can say that I have...and WHEW!!!! Glad that's over. I know I do it to myself but trying so hard to meet everyone's needs and make the party perfect coupled with the fact that I micromanage and don't delegate jobs out very well really made for a hyperactive, spazmatic, chicken with her head cut off host. I had planned so long and so hard for it and then it all flew by in a blur when it was finally here.

Bottom line was that the kids had tons of fun and there were lots of smiles and laughter- YEAH!!!

Trick or treating with my sis Cheryl and Neice Morgan was very relaxing at the end of the evening - weather was really perfect! Evan was so adorable walking with his little treat bag as Thomas The Train. He never wanted me to hold him even after an hour of walking...what a little trooper he was. Mom also flew in and we went to Disney on Ice on Sunday. It was a great visit and I'm looking forward to getting together with more family over the holidays.

For The Love of Animals

For the last couple of days I have been doing some fall cleaning and I discovered something that I really wanted to share.

If you've been around me at all
( warning...about to get on a soapbox ) you know that I am an avid   recycler. We recycle, aluminum cans, steel cans, cardboard, plastic, bottles, plastic bags, glass, magazines, etc...We place these items in our recycle bins in the garage and then whenever we head into town we load up the back up the truck and drop them off at the local recycle center...very quick, easy and pain free...and then of course there's the sense of doing your civic duty that feels really good.

This is everyone's responsibility and if you aren't at least making some effort to do this...you should start !
I could go on but I won't because I actually have another more important point to make right now.

I have been saving pillows in my spare bedroom closet, not wanting to throw them away, yet not knowing what to do with them. So I googled "what to do with old pillows" and now I'm thinking DUH!!!! what a great idea. 

Animal shelters would love to have them for all those sweet little doggies and kitties to lay on instead of a hard cement floor, especially as it is getting colder.

I called the shelter here and the woman said they would love to have old bed pillows, towels and blankets... TAH - DAH !!!!!  It makes me so happy that I don't have to throw these things away and that those cute little animals will be a little more comfortable. I am gathering up all my stuff today and hauling it down there tomorrow!!! 

So, I encourage all of you to check around for these things that you don't need and make your donation.

Yes, it's the little things that make me happy :)

Have a good one!

My Lemonade

Well, I really don't have anything ground breaking to share today, but I haven't posted in a few days so I thought I would while Evan's sleeping.


To go back a few days, I had embryos and uteruses offered to me the day after I found out that my embryos didn't take...yes, my sister and another friend offered to carry a baby for me if we find that I can not and then another friend spoke with her husband and was ready to get a lawyer to negotiate the donation of her 7 frozen embryos to us...now people, that's love!

I really do have a good group of friends and family rooting for me and I appreciate the offers to help us conceive in some fashion. I will not rule any of those ideas out just yet because you should never say never.


My plan of attack for now is to try once more in January. I can not do the November cycle because my body has to recooperate from the last - and they do not do a cycle in December so they can actually spend the holiday with their families and not be on call for a bunch of hormonally-hyped crazy ladies ;) Therefore I have been put on the January cycle and am hoping for the best.


So, my tiny, little conselation prizes are that I get to have that glass of wine/beer with friends and family at various holiday events - I will not have to experience first trimester morning sickness and total exhaustion throughout the holidays - I can travel anywhere, by any means for the holidays, without a high-risk pregnancy being a factor - I can sign Evan up for that Mommy & Me tumbling class, that he absolutely loved, where I get more of a workout than he does, lifting, running, etc... and the best prize of all; I get to hold and pick up my Angel Baby again!


Would I rather be pregnant? YES!!!  But I didn't get pregnant, I got lemons...and this is my lemonade.

A Beautiful Day !!!

The forecast is sunny with a high of 75!

Could it be any more beautiful than that?

I'm taking my "Angel -Baby" to the park today and spending some good quality time with him. He deserves it after a month of a mother who's not been able to pick him, take walks or do much physical activity with him. He unfortunately does suffer to an extent when I go through a round of IVF.

I'm feeling strong and back to myself again and ready to go hang out with my little boy :)

On a side note: Chuck has been on a no-contact trip since Tuesday morning. We haven't even been able to talk about the failed round of IVF or where we will go from here...or to grieve the fact that again it has not worked. But luckily, one of his great friends and colleagues was able to reach him last night and give him the news. So at least now he knows... He should be back by Friday or Saturday.

Alright, off to spend a beautiful day with

my favorite little person in the world!!!

P.S. Before we go to the park I have to go in to the lab and have blood drawn one more time to confirm that my numbers are going down and that I' am not having an ectopic pregnancy...talk about adding insult to injury...I know it's for a good reason, but man what a punch in the gut, as if having blood drawn is fun anyway ;-)

His Special Green Star

There are a lot of things I could go on and on about today...thoughts and feelings on my current situation.

But, only one thing today warranted my attention; not to mention gratitude to God, fate, infertility technology or whatever else played a part in bringing me Evan.

While I was getting him dressed, out of the blue, he looked me in the eye, held my face in his little hands and said:

" MOMMY, YOU ARE MY SPECIAL GREEN STAR! "

With tears in my eyes I looked up and said Thank You...

Need I say more?

Sharing the BFN

Hello to all!

Soooo......the thing about sharing so freely every step of your In-Vitro process and all of the excitement and struggle it involves is that when you get the BFN (big fat negative), you also have to share that part.

Then you have a whole bunch of people who love and care about you wanting to say something caring and encouraging to you and you really just don't want to hear any of it. Because none of those comments take away the pain that's in my heart right now from knowing that I just tried for the third time to have a baby, unsuccessfully. And I wanted it soooo bad.

So I have just started my first blog (no clue what I'm doing by the way) to share the news and vent a little about precisely how I'm feeling right now.

I'm super pissed, crying, walowing in self pity...wondering GOD why me. Why can crackheads and hookers have succesful pregnancies and someone who wants a child and to give it the best life possible can not conceive. Yes, I'm pissed because it's not fair !!!

For all the people that care so much for me and have helped me and encouraged and prayed for me along the way I appreciate you so much and thank you for taking the time to root for me every time I do this.

For me and to keep me from snapping I need to share some thoughts shared widely by the IVF community towards people who have never experienced it. I actually googled top ten things not to say to an IVF patient and was amazed to find many lists from women that share my sentiments exactly. At the risk of coming across like a b!#ch, which I happen to be kinda familiar with, so not that worried about. I am posting the best list that I found. This woman might be my soul sister, because I could not say these things any better than she has!

Here is the link to her blog and below I have pasted the Top 10 List...which, would you believe, have all been said to me ....probably more than once in our IVF experience.

http://open.salon.com/blog/jeanette_d/2009/08/28/top_10_things_not_to_say_to_someone_experiencing_infertility


So here, in no particular order, are The Top Ten Things Not To Say To Someone Experiencing Infertility (with bonus pithy commentary):

(1) You need to relax!
The fact that rape victims can get pregnant puts this one to rest pretty quickly. I can't think of too many situations that are more stressful than that.
Does a doctor tell a patient with a hernia or heart problems orcancer to stop thinking about it? I think not. Infertility is no different from any other medical conditions, there is usually a medical explanation.
(2) You should just adopt!
Adoption? Why, I've never heard of that! You say you can pay thousands and thousands of dollars, have every aspect of your life scrutinized, get put on a potentially years-long waiting list, and then possibly have the biological parent change her mind? Sign me up!
Seriously, though, this one really irks me. After two miscarriages and several years of infertility testing and treatment, we were tapped out physically, financially and emotionally.
It's not just some kind of checklist you go through
Try naturally: Check.
Go through testing: Check.
Clomid and timed intercourse: Check.
Injectables and IUI: Check.
IVF: Check.
Adoption: Check.
and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child. No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve.
Look, it's just a very personal decision, and it's not the "answer" to every couple's infertility problem.

(3) You want kids? Please, take mine!
Oh, I get it. Raising kids is hard! Thanks, but I think I already knew this. And besides, I don't want your kids. They're funny looking and rude (I'm kidding - your children are adorable). Also, you don't really mean this. You're just trying to be cute, and you're not succeeding.

(4) There's probably a reason for it.
Like, maybe, my potential child was going to be the next Hitler or Manson? Something like that?
Would you ever tell a parent with a severely deformed child that there was a reason for it?
Sometimes bad stuff just happens, and that's that. At least that's the way I look at things. Please respect that.

(5) Oh, you're still young. It'll happen.
I'm not that young and how do you know it'll happen?
You are not clairvoyant. Don't give me false hope based on nothing more than your need to be "supportive".

(6) My cousin adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!
Well that's certainly a good reason to adopt, isn't it? I'm also pretty sure this doesn't always work. I can just hear the discussion now...
Joey: Mom and Dad, why did you adopt me?
Mom and Dad: Well, we really thought that, if we adopted a baby, then we'd get pregnant.
Joey: But I don't have a brother or a sister. So it didn't work, right?
Mom and Dad: No it didn't. But we've got you. And you're the next best thing!

(7) .”My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!”
Oh, thank you for the side of salt to go with my wounds, how thoughtful! Why don’t you tell me how you were on the pill orbreastfeeding and they just kept coming? Would you like me to plan yourbaby shower (on the anniversary of my miscarriage) while we’re on thesubject?

(8) I wish I had that problem!
So you're...what? Hyperfertile? There are things you can take for that, you know. Now please go away before your water breaks on my carpet.

(9) There are too many people in the world anyway.
Thank you Mr. Malthus! I fully realize this, and I promise that, if I'm lucky enough to have one, I'll immediately kill myself so it'll all even out.
Besides, you should be talking to the Duggar family. They live in Tontitown, Arkansas, and they probably have their own page in the phone book.

(10.)“God has a plan. Trust Him.”
Along the lines of the whole ‘God’ argument, this would be a whole other post as well, with a side of philosophy, theology and apologetics.
God has a plan. OK, so this kid, a teenager, who grew up inRwanda and saw his parents shot before his eyes just before being kidnapped by a rebel army that turned him into a killer.
“God has a plan.”
What? Did God’s plan involve this child becoming an orphaned murderer against his own will? Does ‘God’s plan’ involve babies dying and my fallopian tubes being scared from endimitriosis?


Being a believer doesn’t mean you have to be so stupid. God may have a plan but there are environmental and medical factors causing infertility, and it is more and more common. Would you tell someone dying of AIDS that “God has a plan”? Do you mean to say that God gave them AIDS?
I have a new slogan: “God has a plan; shit happens.”

I know that people want to help, they want to be encouraging, and they want to say something. I truly appreciate all of the people who listened, who cared, who prayed, and who felt some empathy with us. I don't believe that any of the inappropriate things people may have said were said with malice or out of spite. And believe me, I'm not perfect either, so I learned from my own "foot-in-mouth" experiences what not to say to other people going through this. The same principles can be applied to any other situation where someone is suffering and you want to say something. Acknowledge the pain, offer your support, and express your hope that things will get better.
If someone shares their infertility issues with you, I think the best thing to say is something like this, "I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's difficult, and I hope things work out for you. Let me know if there's anything I can do."
And if any of you now reading this are going through it, that is what I want to say to you.


I know I sound harsh and I really can't care about that right now. I am at a personal low and don't feel the need to defend my emotions right now.

I am going to go watch the movie I just rented and eat some fattening Chinese take-out and not talk about this any more today...and I'm sure my outlook will be brighter in a few days.

Thank you for understanding - love you all.
Laura