Well I suppose the outcome was inevitable after the lab results on Monday. I held out hope and I and everyone and their dog prayed for a different outcome. But I guess it's not in the plan right now. My numbers were decreasing for whatever reason and the doc recommended that we abandon this cycle and not retrieve my eggs on Thursday. Man, it's hard to let go when you've been on hormones for 5 weeks, been taking injections and feeling like dog poop for 10 days and mentally working up to the day they retrieve your eggs and having such high hopes for a good outcome....hard, hard, hard to let it all go and say it was a bust!
Had I insisted, he would have done the surgery & the IVF clinic would have taken the money ( not out the large sum of dough until retrieval and transfer are performed ) But he said it would most likely be for nothing or for very few, poor quality eggs. They most likely would not fertilize and if so most likely would not implant. It was tempting I must admit. But because this is our "final" shot at this, I took his advice.
I want my last try to be awesome and have massive potential not failure written all over it.
I've processed this, cried a little and moped for about 15 minutes and now I'm over it. Things could be so much worse. For instance, I could have a seemingly 20 year old healthy daughter who had a heart attack last week, open heart surgery yesterday and coded and needed her heart shocked lastnight before having her chest cracked open again. This is what is happening with my sister's niece right now! It just kind of puts it all in perspective. To top that off my sister's best friend Cindy, who is a fellow infertility warrior, had to be hospitalized for a c-section lastnight because the baby, that they've tried for for years and years is to big to deliver vaginally.
So, I'm praying for my sis whose trying to be a trouper for everyone around her.
Love you Cheryl and Chris! Good luck to Cindy and Chelsea!
I'm pissed at my outcome but hopefully we can have our real "final" cycle in March or April.
Once again I've been given lemons...and you know the rest.
Moving along now.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Hoping For A Major Turnaround
So for a few days now I go in every other day for bloodwork and an ultrasound of my follicles to make sure everything's on track and in sync. Every 12 hours I get an injection of three drugs to get everything to that perfect place where we are ready to retrieve my eggs. Yesterday I had 16 good looking follicles, that should produce eggs, and my Estradiol levels were increasing right on target along with my Luteinizing Hormone level. The BP medicine I have been put on seems to be helping. Blood pressure numbers are slowly decreasing and I feel ten times better.
I went to see my friend Gretchen today who has 3 month old triplets...yes, from my IVF doctor!!! Thinking maybe if I'm around her my body will get the hint about what it's supposed to do ;-)
Next I had a great visit with my old peeps from school and was just feeling on top of the world.
Then came the dreaded call from my IVF doctor, not the nurse who always calls, the doctor. He said not to freak out that he was calling, not Dori. Ok, so after that I knew it wasn't going to be good news.
He informs me that my Estradiol level only went up 250 something or others when it should have gone up 1,000 something or others and that my Luteinizing hormone actually did nothing at all when it should have increased as well. He further explains that this means my body is kind of shutting down and saying that for whatever reason it wants nothing to do with the egg stimulating process this time!!!
I'm thinking, "You've got to be kidding me!"
I ask if the BP meds could have affected the process. He says he honestly doesn't know but their could be a connection due to capillaries not profusing as well once your BP is controlled. (Don't understand that 100%, but OK)
He goes on to recommend that we cancel this cycle because these levels indicate poor egg quality or low egg count or even no eggs. If they did the surgery it would probably be for nothing with the way things are looking.
CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! CANCEL THIS CYCLE?!?!?!?!?!?!
I knew it happened but never thought it would happen to me...huh, but then again why am I surprised?
If I had only been a crack whore, I'd have 6 kids by now.
I explain that I've got grandparents coming in to town, plane tickets have been purchased and is there any chance that this is a fluke and tomorrow my levels would go back up. I'm just not ready to throw in the towel yet.
He's such a sweet man - says nothing's impossible - come in tomorrow morning at 7:30 for bloodwork and make sure I do your ultrasound.
Man I'm praying for some kind of miraculous turn around !!!
Pray for me, Pray for me, Pray for me !!!!!!
I went to see my friend Gretchen today who has 3 month old triplets...yes, from my IVF doctor!!! Thinking maybe if I'm around her my body will get the hint about what it's supposed to do ;-)
Next I had a great visit with my old peeps from school and was just feeling on top of the world.
Then came the dreaded call from my IVF doctor, not the nurse who always calls, the doctor. He said not to freak out that he was calling, not Dori. Ok, so after that I knew it wasn't going to be good news.
He informs me that my Estradiol level only went up 250 something or others when it should have gone up 1,000 something or others and that my Luteinizing hormone actually did nothing at all when it should have increased as well. He further explains that this means my body is kind of shutting down and saying that for whatever reason it wants nothing to do with the egg stimulating process this time!!!
I'm thinking, "You've got to be kidding me!"
I ask if the BP meds could have affected the process. He says he honestly doesn't know but their could be a connection due to capillaries not profusing as well once your BP is controlled. (Don't understand that 100%, but OK)
He goes on to recommend that we cancel this cycle because these levels indicate poor egg quality or low egg count or even no eggs. If they did the surgery it would probably be for nothing with the way things are looking.
CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! CANCEL THIS CYCLE?!?!?!?!?!?!
I knew it happened but never thought it would happen to me...huh, but then again why am I surprised?
If I had only been a crack whore, I'd have 6 kids by now.
I explain that I've got grandparents coming in to town, plane tickets have been purchased and is there any chance that this is a fluke and tomorrow my levels would go back up. I'm just not ready to throw in the towel yet.
He's such a sweet man - says nothing's impossible - come in tomorrow morning at 7:30 for bloodwork and make sure I do your ultrasound.
Man I'm praying for some kind of miraculous turn around !!!
Pray for me, Pray for me, Pray for me !!!!!!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Disappointing - But Better Than Having A Stroke - Right?
So you start the day off with a routine ultrasound and end the day having an EKG and being put on blood pressure medication, probably for the rest of your life, says the doc...Sigh :(
Well, the outcome was not what I had hoped. My bp was 158/100 and I had chest tightness as I talked with my doc. He informed me that I would be going on bp meds. and that it is very rare for someone to get off of them once they are on!!! WOW! I so did not know this. I thought you lost a little weight, exercised a little more, it would go down and BAM! off the meds. But I guess because in my case he thinks it's the unexplained hereditary kind, not related to weight, I'll probably be a lifer. Now if my bp wasn't already high enough it definitely was after this news - I totally lost it and bawled like a baby right there in the doc's office.
After calling anyone under the sun that would listen to me cry about this (you know who you are - THANKS!)...I have come to terms with it and realize that it's better than having a stroke. I guess I should really be thankful that they detected it and got me the attention and care that I need, right?
I have been feeling just awful and having skull splitting headaches, and tightness in my chest which now makes sense.
My next biggest concern was that this may somehow interfere with the IVF process. When I asked Dori, my IVF nurse, she reminded me that first and foremost we have to get me in balance before it would be good to get pregnant, no matter what the cost - true but hard to switch gears I guess. My whole focus right now is to have a precious little baby, not worry about my damn blood pressure! The drug they've put me on is supposedly safe for women that are pregnant or trying to conceive.
In the back of my mind I'm of course still hoping that this is a fluke and somehow just a side effect of the IVF stuff my body is being put through...even after my Mom told me that it's on both sides of our family and that most were put on bp meds in their thirties...one can still hope though, right?
For a little good news, I do have 14 follicles at this point which should mean 14 eggs! I have another ultrasound Friday morning and will report any news after that.
To end on a postitive note the best part of my day was while Evan was playing with my hair as we were falling asleep lastnight he said,
"Mommy I love your hair...you're beautiful!"
Realistically I look scary and kind of like a mad woman right now that's getting whiplash from these mood swings, but if he thinks I'm beautiful, I'll take it !!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Have a Great Day!
Well, the outcome was not what I had hoped. My bp was 158/100 and I had chest tightness as I talked with my doc. He informed me that I would be going on bp meds. and that it is very rare for someone to get off of them once they are on!!! WOW! I so did not know this. I thought you lost a little weight, exercised a little more, it would go down and BAM! off the meds. But I guess because in my case he thinks it's the unexplained hereditary kind, not related to weight, I'll probably be a lifer. Now if my bp wasn't already high enough it definitely was after this news - I totally lost it and bawled like a baby right there in the doc's office.
After calling anyone under the sun that would listen to me cry about this (you know who you are - THANKS!)...I have come to terms with it and realize that it's better than having a stroke. I guess I should really be thankful that they detected it and got me the attention and care that I need, right?
I have been feeling just awful and having skull splitting headaches, and tightness in my chest which now makes sense.
My next biggest concern was that this may somehow interfere with the IVF process. When I asked Dori, my IVF nurse, she reminded me that first and foremost we have to get me in balance before it would be good to get pregnant, no matter what the cost - true but hard to switch gears I guess. My whole focus right now is to have a precious little baby, not worry about my damn blood pressure! The drug they've put me on is supposedly safe for women that are pregnant or trying to conceive.
In the back of my mind I'm of course still hoping that this is a fluke and somehow just a side effect of the IVF stuff my body is being put through...even after my Mom told me that it's on both sides of our family and that most were put on bp meds in their thirties...one can still hope though, right?
For a little good news, I do have 14 follicles at this point which should mean 14 eggs! I have another ultrasound Friday morning and will report any news after that.
To end on a postitive note the best part of my day was while Evan was playing with my hair as we were falling asleep lastnight he said,
"Mommy I love your hair...you're beautiful!"
Realistically I look scary and kind of like a mad woman right now that's getting whiplash from these mood swings, but if he thinks I'm beautiful, I'll take it !!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Have a Great Day!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
High Blood Pressure! Really?
WOW!!! So I go in this morning for my ultrasound and blood work to see how everything’s coming along. The nurse takes my blood pressure 3 times and keeps getting pretty high readings.
Jennifer, the ultrasound tech. does her thing. Next Dori, my IVF nurse, has me sit in a quiet room and close my eyes to relax for 5 minutes before taking my blood pressure one more time on a different machine. I breathe deep, relax, think happy thoughts with my eyes closed.
She takes my bp once more. It has gone down but not significantly. Next she tells me to go see my primary care doctor and get evaluated…that I may need to be put on bp medication!
Jennifer also told me that she observed some excess fluid during the ultrasound. She would normally recommend Gatorade to get my sodium levels up, but because my bp was at a stroke level not to drink the Gatorade after all.
WOW! Did not see this coming.
I have exercised more, eaten healthier and lost 10 lbs in the past 2 months in order to go into this round of IVF a little lighter and a somewhat healthier.
So I have an appt. this afternoon. I really hope it goes down because now I worry that high bp complications could cause my IVF doc to cancel this cycle. He said it is a possibility when I asked that question.
We’ll see. I’ll report after my doc’s appt this afternoon.
Hoping for the best of course.
These were my bp readings:
152/114
161/119
154/100
131/90 ( after resting for 5 minutes)
Jennifer, the ultrasound tech. does her thing. Next Dori, my IVF nurse, has me sit in a quiet room and close my eyes to relax for 5 minutes before taking my blood pressure one more time on a different machine. I breathe deep, relax, think happy thoughts with my eyes closed.
She takes my bp once more. It has gone down but not significantly. Next she tells me to go see my primary care doctor and get evaluated…that I may need to be put on bp medication!
Jennifer also told me that she observed some excess fluid during the ultrasound. She would normally recommend Gatorade to get my sodium levels up, but because my bp was at a stroke level not to drink the Gatorade after all.
WOW! Did not see this coming.
I have exercised more, eaten healthier and lost 10 lbs in the past 2 months in order to go into this round of IVF a little lighter and a somewhat healthier.
So I have an appt. this afternoon. I really hope it goes down because now I worry that high bp complications could cause my IVF doc to cancel this cycle. He said it is a possibility when I asked that question.
We’ll see. I’ll report after my doc’s appt this afternoon.
Hoping for the best of course.
These were my bp readings:
152/114
161/119
154/100
131/90 ( after resting for 5 minutes)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Happy "Real" Anniversary
Jan 19th is a great date!
Some folks know, but most don't, that I've actually been married 10 years today! Although we celebrate our anniversary on July 15th, we legally tied the knot six months before that at the courthouse one afternoon, as we were planning our big wedding in July of that year.
Guess the cat's out of the bag now ;0)
We picked Jan. 19th because it was my sister's birthday, his best friend's birthday and another one of my friends' birthdays. I thought it would be cool to pick a date that was already important and memorable to us...I suppose out of sentimentality.
I just saw on FaceBook that it is also the birthday of the son of one of my best friends from junior high !!!
What a cool date !!!
Chuck usually doesn't remember that this is our "real" anniversary and is away working and probably to busy to think about anything else...that's ok though because he always remembers July 15th.
I remember that this was a great day 10 years ago!!! I'm very happy to have him in my life. The good ones are few and far between!
Happy "Real" Anniversary to my Honey!!!
Some folks know, but most don't, that I've actually been married 10 years today! Although we celebrate our anniversary on July 15th, we legally tied the knot six months before that at the courthouse one afternoon, as we were planning our big wedding in July of that year.
Guess the cat's out of the bag now ;0)
We picked Jan. 19th because it was my sister's birthday, his best friend's birthday and another one of my friends' birthdays. I thought it would be cool to pick a date that was already important and memorable to us...I suppose out of sentimentality.
I just saw on FaceBook that it is also the birthday of the son of one of my best friends from junior high !!!
What a cool date !!!
Chuck usually doesn't remember that this is our "real" anniversary and is away working and probably to busy to think about anything else...that's ok though because he always remembers July 15th.
I remember that this was a great day 10 years ago!!! I'm very happy to have him in my life. The good ones are few and far between!
Happy "Real" Anniversary to my Honey!!!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
This Is It !
Apologies for being MIA.
Sorry I haven't posted for so long.
In my defense there was Thanksgiving travels, Christmas travels and then our computer graphics card went out rendering my computer completely useless until Chuck had the part sent to me and I fixed it all on my own...yes, very proud of myself !
But, because I originally started this thing with the intent to document & share my journey through the IVF process I don't feel that bad...took a break from IVF and took a break from my blog.
BUT...THIS IS IT FOLKS!!!
This morning at 7:30 a.m. my neighbor Emma (Chuck's out of town) gave me the first shot of my last ever round of In-Vitro!!! After 3 unsuccessful rounds since Evan, we feel like we shouldn't put my body, our family and our finances through this again after this one last try...No stress, NOPE, none at all.
I am really trying to be positive, relaxed and hopeful as I go into this...a very tall order when you know the course of your future hinges on the outcome of this process.
There's a lot more to say but because it's late and I'm so tired right now, I'm out...to return soon with lots more to say about this.
Goodnight.
Sorry I haven't posted for so long.
In my defense there was Thanksgiving travels, Christmas travels and then our computer graphics card went out rendering my computer completely useless until Chuck had the part sent to me and I fixed it all on my own...yes, very proud of myself !
But, because I originally started this thing with the intent to document & share my journey through the IVF process I don't feel that bad...took a break from IVF and took a break from my blog.
BUT...THIS IS IT FOLKS!!!
This morning at 7:30 a.m. my neighbor Emma (Chuck's out of town) gave me the first shot of my last ever round of In-Vitro!!! After 3 unsuccessful rounds since Evan, we feel like we shouldn't put my body, our family and our finances through this again after this one last try...No stress, NOPE, none at all.
I am really trying to be positive, relaxed and hopeful as I go into this...a very tall order when you know the course of your future hinges on the outcome of this process.
There's a lot more to say but because it's late and I'm so tired right now, I'm out...to return soon with lots more to say about this.
Goodnight.
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