Miracles Are Possible !!!

 So it turns out miracles are possible after all.

If you've known me for awhile or met me recently, you're probably familiar with at least parts of the story of our infertility struggles. I'm not a very private person and known for TMI.
I just don't see a lot of reason to hide things about your life from others...what's the point? I usually feel a lot better after talking and sharing things with friends and family anyhow.
Of course, to each his own and I can respect that.


IF YOU'RE NOT INTO OR CAN'T HANDLE SQUEEMISH INFERTILITY/CONCEPTION DETAILS YOU MAY WANT TO STOP READING - THIS IS YOUR WARNING  !

So around 6-7 years ago we began seeing fertility specialists to find out why our efforts to conceive were not successful. I was told tubal blockage was to blame and that In-Vitro would most likely be my only shot at having a child. We did our first round in the summer of 2006 and out of 16 eggs collected and inseminated, then three that made it to the transfer date - Evan our miracle child was born! We were so fortunate that it worked and we got a healthy child from our first try! If you know anyone who's gone through IVF it can take years and thousands and thousands of dollars and tons of disappointment and heartache. It affects every area of your life and can really affect how you see the world, who you are and your relationships with others.

     Sidenote:
              You oddly become jealous and resentful of crack whores
               and question why you just had to have a plan and go and
               do everything so right like secure an education, pursue
               your career, then marry, then try to start your family.
               Maybe the crack whores really have it figured out;
               after all they have multiple babies and you have none.
               Can you see how we become BITTER?!?

Anyhow, Evan has been the most incredible blessing in my life to date and we have tried unsuccessfully to have another child through three more rounds of IVF and then a canceled round right before the retrieval date due to a high blood pressure diagnosis.

A few months back we found out that we are moving to Florida and decided to begin the process with an IVF doctor down there. You can refer back 2 posts ago for the whole story, but in a nutshell he said that my tubes are poisonous and probably need to come out or I will most likely have no luck with future IVF rounds or conceiving naturally because of my "Toxic Tubes."

TMI ALERT !!!!  Right here...

So we went out to dinner after meeting with the doctor, had some drinks, saw a terrible Jennifer Aniston movie (but it's still Jen and she's my girl.), went back to the hotel and of course being our last night in Fl with Evan staying with the grandparents...well you know. I rarely pass up a chance to conceive when I know that  I'm ovulating. It just so happens that the next morning at breakfast I felt the pain that only happens when I ovulate. I thought WOW good timing!

We came home from Fl., life resumed as normal and a few weeks later I begin to experience weird symptoms.  So with completely irrational high hopes I went to Walgreens and got a 3 pack of home prego tests.

I am so excited to announce to you today that I am currently 11 1/2 weeks pregnant with a December 16th due date, incredible nausea, a larger than normal ass and I couldn't be more happy!!!
With all the medical knowledge stacked against this ever being possible, it has somehow happened on it's own.

A handful of people know but not many. I have had a wall up, as if I don't believe it's true even after seeing the heartbeat on the ultrasound. It's like if I let myself get into the idea I would jinx myself and lose it. I know that's probably silly, but oh well. It was pretty hard to keep it a secret till almost the 2nd trimester but it's what I chose to do. I am just about out of this set of weeds, as far as 1st trimester miscarriages go. Every day is going to be scary for me, always wondering if I'm doing something that could endanger it. Yes, to me it is still an "it" - no cute nicknames at this point  - probably another wall of protection for me; as if not getting personal about it yet would make things easier if I lose it.

A couple of things that worry me are my high blood pressure and my age.
Evan came 5 weeks early and I was only 35; making me a high risk for another premature delivery at 39.
The average 39 year old has a 1 in 98 chance of having a child with down syndrome.
I was on a high blood pressure med known to cause birth defects for the first 5 weeks of the pregnancy; didn't worry about it because I'm not supposed to be able to get pregnant...Huhhhhhhh. So like I told a friend,
I not only have the deck stacked against me; I've got the whole casino stacked against me.

With all that said I will continue to take the best care of myself and be so grateful to God for blessing me with this unexpected miracle and pray, pray and pray some more!!!! I'll take all of yours that I can get too!

It's so good to finally share this news. I know my neighbors think I'm just getting fat because these weird carb cravings have already added around 8 lbs!!! I really need to chill on the pasta and bread but that's all I seem to want.

To those of you who have known and kept the secret till I was ready to go public...THANKS!!!  I know it was hard at times and I appreciate it.

I hope God grants me the gift of a healthy pregnancy to full term - that's all I want in life right now!!!

Here's to faith and positive thoughts!!!

Proud Mommy

OK - so if there was to be any redemption for my last post "Mommy Guilt"...here it is.

This morning Evan had his 3 year check-up, including hearing and vision screening.
He passed all with flying colors!!! The doc said he scored above most 4 year olds as many of them aren't even able to follow the directions and pass the test. He was so cute holding the little paddle over his right eye then his left (even knew which eye I was saying to cover!) and telling her what the shapes and symbols were on the chart. He was able to do everything expected of him just perfectly!  I couldn't believe everything that he knew. Seems that all this reading and drawing and explaining of everything to him has actually sunk in. 
I really felt like I had a smart kid...no better feeling to make you feel proud.


The doc also said that he is in the 90th percentile in height and 75th in weight. 
So he's is growing well - Woo-Hoo!!!


Just a short post today...but made me feel happy and I wanted to share  :0) 

Mommy Guilt

Today was a very tough day at the dentist.  And although it was Evan's 1st time in the chair it was not Evan who had the tough time, but his mother who left in tears. It sucks when you realize that you haven't done the best job at something concerning your child.

Let me start with saying that I called a Pediatric Dentist office, last year, when Evan was 2 and asked when children normally come in for their first visit. The bubbly receptionist replied, "Oh usually around 3 or 4." 

So I took that info, thought we're good to go till next year and have been brushing his teeth twice daily and flossing a couple times a week, as common sense would tell me to do.

He turned 3 in March. I enrolled him in our dental insurance plan in April and today was his very first visit..

Imagine my surprise as I searched on-line. last week,  for videos or books to prepare your child for their first dental visit and found article after article informing me that children should see a dentist after the first tooth comes in !!!!

             WHERE HAVE I BEEN?
 HOW DID I REALLY NOT KNOW THIS?
          AM I THIS OUT OF TOUCH?

So now let me describe the visit:  Evan was completely prepared because of 2 awesome books I found about going to the dentist - we read them at least 20 times over the weekend and he was excited to sit in the cool chair and get shiny, clean white teeth - when the nurse called him in he held her hand and walked right back, climbed in the chair and did completely AWESOME!!! while having his teeth scraped and cleaned - never flinched or cried or anything; was a complete trooper - when they took X-Rays he gagged a little but stayed in the chair and followed directions perfectly - I could not have been more surprised or proud at how he handled the entire thing - probably better than some adults ;0)

The nurse gives Evan his goody bag & let's him pick a reward from the treasure box  -  and then came the closer; the big dentist with the silly green wig - I'm thinking we will soon be on our way. He takes a look at Evan's teeth and then tells me," Mom come take a closer look; there are several" interesting" things going on with Evan's teeth." (You don't have to be a rocket scientist to realize this isn't going to be good) 

He explains to me that Evan has Enamel Hypoplasia, which is commonly found to be linked to the over use of antibiotics, often seen with children who have a history of recurring ear infections, sinus infections, etc... He says that he sees it all day long with kids with this history.

Links with info on this condition:

http://www.dentalplans.com/articles/31054/enamel-hypoplasia-a-concern-for-children.html

http://www.doctormayes.com/education.html  ( scroll down towards the bottom of page )

     Sidenote: Evan was on antibiotics for sinus and ear infections
     almost every month for the first 1.5 years of his life. I knew it
     wasn't ideal but didn't know it could interfere with the
     development of his teeth. When your kid has a 104 fever, you
     give him an antibiotic right? Huhhhhhhh.....so anyway...

The dentist goes on to say that because of the weak enamel structure, decay has set in on many of his teeth and that Evan needs 6 fillings and 2 crowns!!!!   OMG!!!  He's 3 years old !!! 

I think I almost fell off the chair at this point because the very sweet nurse put her hand on my back.

He then goes on to tell me the options for this extensive dental work for a 3 year old.

     1. A valium type pill to relax him and come back to this office
         - about a 40 minute process.

                            or

     2. Refer him to the Children's Hospital to go under
         general anesthesia and have it done.

I ask the dentist what he recommends in Evan's case and he says anesthesia at the hospital. He doesn't think Evan is old enough to handle the light valium relaxation option. He explains that once he starts the drilling, if the kid freaks out they just have to keep going and basically we'll have to hold him down which is totally tramatic for the child.  So I ask if the sedation is totally safe and he responds," No, no form of sedation is 100% safe."   I say," You mean there's a possibility of death with sedation dentistry?" He responds ," Yes, a child just died last week from sedation dentistry...not here, in Virginia."  

                        ( OH lord why is it so easy for me to cry?
                             Why can't I be a stronger person? )

Like an idiot, tears begin welling up as I listen to him explain further about my options. All that is going through my mind is that I neglected my child's teeth and that because I made poor choices I could have endangered him in the worst way; by endangering his life.  ( At this point the nurse pats my back and gets me a tissue ) We decide that I will think about it and make my decision at a later date. He tells me that it is nothing that needs to be done right away and that if we brush well, cut back on the sugar and keep his teeth clean, he could go months with no worries as tooth decay progresses very slowly. 

As the nurse leads me around the corner she whispers not to be upset, dentists do sedation dentristy all day with no problem. She advised me to wait till we get down to Florida, in about 6 weeks, and locate a reputable Pediatric Dentist down there and see what they would advise. She said that she really thinks Evan would be able to handle it with just the mild relaxation pill, because he did so well for his first cleaning. So I guess I will search out a great place down there to get this taken care of in the most appropriate way. 

But I can't get over the what ifs:

      If I'd only brought him to the dentist earlier

      If he'd gotten tubes and hadn't had sooooo many antibiotics

      If I'd brushed better or given him less sweets & juice

For now no more sippy cups with juice, and I'm following this child around with a toothbrush and brushing the sugar off every time he eats something with sugar so it doesn't get worse (recommended by the nurse today).

It really stinks when you feel like you haven't done right by your child.
After all, he's helpless and relies on me to make good decisions about his well being.
I usually feel like I'm a good parent but today has definitely got me down and questioning myself.

My best friend once told me that her biggest surprise about being a new mother was the constant guilt.
I was pregnant with Evan and she told me to be prepared to feel guilty about everything I do, wondering if you've made the right decision or wondering if you are doing too much or not enough of something and how any choice you make will affect your child in some way. I didn't understand it at the time but definitely understand it more as time passes.

I have lots of Mommy Guilt today concerning Evan's teeth but I am trying to digest it, formulate a plan to fix it and be Evan's Happy Mommy so he doesn't absorb my negative vibes.
(Anytime I get onto him he tells me to be a Happy Mommy and let's have a Happy Day; not a Sad Day! )

So I will sleep on this and hope for a Happy Day tomorrow!

P.S. NEW MOMS:  watch out for constant antibiotics; get tubes in those little ears and get those babies to the dentist with that first tooth. Don't wait till you end up here.